Divorce Is Messy Going into a divorce is an emotionally messy process no matter how it begins or how it evolves. Oftentimes couples get caught up in an emotional battle or competition with one another over who is right or wrong. They play out the battle out using finances, living arrangements, schedules, and especially their children as pawns. For some couples this battle continues long after the divorce is over. The adults never heal; the children suffer. Face The Facts If your mate has asked for a divorce and if you’ve discussed an option for counseling to repair the marital damage and this is refused, it’s important to face the facts that the choice for divorce may be out of your control simply because your mate wants it. Facing the facts doesn’t mean you have to like it. But you do have to accept it if the choice is out of your control. You are going to be sad and angry, confused and you are going to grieve—even if you are the one asking for the divorce. You may not have control over your mate or your emotions, but what you do have control over is how you handle this jumble of emotions and how you handle the process going forward. How you behave and how you communicate will help determine the length of time it takes to finalize your divorce and the financial cost. How you behave will also help determine how you and your children adjust to the [...]

While statistics on couples marrying and divorcing have changed in the past 10-12 years, it wasn't that long ago that census statistics showed that somewhere between 86 – 90% of all people living in the United States marry at least once. While rate of marriage and divorce has gone down, it isn't due to people avoiding relationship. They just may cohabit or marry later, or not marry at all. Of the huge numbers of those who do marry, very few imagine they will be the ones to divorce. Courtship, engagement and marriage bring dreams of a vibrant future together. Whether conscious or unconscious, discussed between the happy couple or not, each marrying pair has goals, visions, and aspirations. On the other hand, the sad fact is that between 40 – 50% of all first time marriages end in divorce.  And, the divorce statistic increases with each successive marriage.  The individual and couple dreams, goals, and aspirations disintegrate. They must be replaced with two new sets of goals: The first set of goals is immediate and somewhat short term. These goals address how the divorcing couple wants to behave and treat one another and their family members as they go through the divorce process and establish two independent, yet interdependent lives. By focusing on their highest aspirations to behave with grace and dignity, as well as continued care for their family even though their marriage is ending, the couple can mitigate the pitfalls of blame and anger. This article will discuss [...]

In difficult economic times, many couples feel stuck - living under the same roof while separating or actively pursuing a divorce. This article is about managing a difficult living situation while awaiting finalization of your divorce. You're stuck living together because: You don’t have the finances to pursue a divorce or to even live in separate dwellings. You and your mate don't get along but you both care about the kids. You both want them 50/50%. Behind the scenes it's a battle between you. It's going to require some professionals to help you resolve your childcare options. Neither of you is willing to go til the settlement is final. You don’t want to leave because your mate has been untrustworthy with the finances in the past and you don’t know if s/he’ll be fair if you move out now. You're upside down in your mortgage or one of you lost your job. You both know the economy has to turn around before the family will be stable enough to withstand two households. You don't know what you will be able to afford or how the finances will shake out once the divorce is final - so you feel you have to stay in the house together til then. What should you do? What are you options and how should you proceed? Here are some tips to guide your actions:   Decide Living Arrangements As Quickly and Equitably As Possible Whether you decide to live on separate floors in the same house or [...]

While I no longer serve as a Neutral Coach in Collaborative Divorce situations, and while this is not the only form of divorce you should check out if you are contemplating a separation, a Collaborative approach is intended to help the parties negotiate and work out what they need and want in the divorce and in life going forward. Couples and Collaborative Divorce Collaborative Divorce is a team effort in which a divorcing couple agrees to hire and work together with a team of Collaborative Divorce specialists, in order to settle the specifics of their divorce—typically living arrangements, finances, and care of children. They agree in writing, in a team meeting to never go to court. Instead they arrive at agreements and settle differences together. * They choose to approach divorce this way for the sake of their family well being, including long term emotional well-being. Two Main Goals of Collaborative Divorce Collaborative Divorce is focused on two main goals: To help the couple arrive at mutually satisfying, win/win agreements that will sustain all family members as they move forward, and To make an often devastating life transition more constructive and even healing for the entire family. The Typical Collaborative Team In Collaborative Divorce, the couple makes all their decisions together with the assistance of the experts they choose to hire. Because of this, the composition of teams may look slightly different depending on the particular couple and the specific agreements or settlements they wish to achieve. However, a typical [...]